Fire Miriam Datskovsky, worst sex columnist... EVER

Thursday, November 09, 2006

RE: Roller-Coaster Romance: Let's Get Rid of the Loops

Well, now that Miriam has filled her talking-about-sex quota for the month with her previous column on masturbation, we've got to go back and analyze "social norms" and woefully complicated and awkward mating rituals that we apparently are all the victims of.

Strap Yourself In It's Going to be a Bumpy Ride

We waste too much time on sex. It would be one thing if we were spending all our time and energy on achieving increasingly higher levels of orgasmic ecstasy—I have absolutely no objection to that
No, you waste too much time on this "sex" column. Please, spend some energy on helping us achieve higher levels of orgasmic ecstasy and prove me wrong.

In the good old days, and by that I mean the prehistoric good old days, sex was simple. You had sex, you enjoyed it, and you didn’t worry about what anyone else thought or what something someone said meant.
Ah, yes. "Sex so easy even a cave man could do it." I'm pretty sure even cavemen worried about what someone else - namely their partner - thought about their performance in the bedrock.

But is it really empowering for a woman to ask a man out? Can a woman have any power in a sexual relationship if she isn’t making the guy crawl to her? Do prescribed gender roles in a relationship necessarily make the relationship unequal?

And, with the return of horrendous column topics comes the return of the DLRQ!

Guys are supposed to want to have sex right off the bat, but girls who feel the same way are branded sluts. I can think of at least three close guy friends who always wait to have sex with girls they like, and I can think of the same number of girl friends who are totally comfortable with sex on a first date.
Wow, you dug deep for that bit of research. I can think of a situation where at least five of my most attractive female friends can't help but want to fondle my testicles. Therefore, the theory that I'm an unattractive loner is debunked.

*Note: Not saying that Miriam isn't right in saying that gender stereotypes are unfair and unnecessary. Just saying that she picked about the least cogent way to prove it.*

With so many stereotypes swarming around, people are bound to have double standards. What about the raging feminist who demands equality between men and women but then holds men, but not women, accountable for their actions when they’re drunk?
What about you stereotyping feminists as raging and having double standards?

Of course we’re addicted to thinking and analyzing all things sexual: how else would we deal with society’s telling us one thing and someone’s doing another?
So, with the topic sentence of the previous paragraph being about stereotypes and double standards, you've decided to immediately switch gears and ponder on why we analyze sex all the time. Can you just not decide whether or not to write about stereotypes and social norms again?

It’s a fucking roller coaster ride with six different kind of loops that doesn’t feel good because it bangs your head around too much.
So... eloquent...

Half of the time our thinking and re-thinking, analyzing and re-analyzing is over something petty that means absolutely nothing.
Presumptuous alert. I've been analyzing and re-analyzing why my girlfriend isn't comfortable letting me cum in her ear. I dare you to tell me that that means absolutely nothing. You can't because you know what? It's important to me! Okay? *sob*

So find something else to talk to about. I’m tired of getting a headache every time I walk into 212.
Ah, textbook conclusion. Pithy remark having little to do with your article. It took me like four minutes to realize what you were alluding to. I think it's that throwaway line about having the same conversation everywhere, but you didn't single out 212 then. Why are you doing it now? Just because 212 smells funny sometimes doesn't mean you have to call it out. 212 tries its best.

So, after an almost acceptable column, Miriam dives back into her cess pool of reusable material. Has anyone noticed that "social norms" and gender stereotypes seem to dominate virtually every column? (That and her incessant need to throw in a sentence based on the column's title despite the fact that it is out of place and completely unnecessary for making her point.) Gee, a column titled, "Roller Coaster Romance: Let's Get Rid of the Loops," has nothing to do with events that might make for a roller coaster romance. Nope, it's about how social norms keep us from having positive romantic relationships. Well, I guess we're just fucked then. Society doesn't want us to have sex, be romantic, or enjoy the company of other humans. Thanks, sex columnist.


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