Fire Miriam Datskovsky, worst sex columnist... EVER

Thursday, November 02, 2006

RE: Masturbation: Different Strokes for Different Folks

Finally, a post that directly addresses a sexual act and how we do it. Great. I'm excited. Masturbation is a topic that I'm sure is near and dear to all of our hearts. Even Miriam can't get this one wrong...

Autoeroticism: The Dirty Deed

Let’s face it: “dirty” is the reason you started to masturbate.
I don't recall exactly what I was thinking the first time I masturbated, but I'm pretty sure that it wasn't, "Oh yeah you dirty son of bitch. Stroke that cock. Stroke it good. Oh... yea, yea, use the other hand. That's right. You dirty rascal you." Actually, I'm pretty sure I just did it because it felt good... moving on...

And yet, “dirty” never fails to make us uncomfortable. No matter how much we joke about it, how, when and where we masturbate is everyone’s biggest secret.
If your goal is to tell us that masturbating shouldn't be a dirty little secret and that it's something that's safe, enjoyable and relaxing for all of us to do, I commend you. I'm not sure that coming out and accusing it of being "dirty" is the way to go, though.

Few people know it, but masturbation is good for your health. Not only is it a great source of stress relief, but it also acts as a natural sleeping pill and can even relieve menstrual cramps. Recent sex research shows that eighty-five percent of women and ninety-nine percent of men masturbate. Although single people masturbate more frequently, attached and married people don’t shy away from the art of self-loving. So why are so many of us so uneasy about it?
Great! I'm always happy when others support masturbation. I have always maintained that I do it for my health. Props for this.

That being said, what about the guys who masturbate? Masturbation isn't going to relieve their menstrual cramps. Why do you always ignore male needs!? WHY!? Also, not that I'm disputing your numbers, but care to take like three seconds to cite a source? Tell ya what, I'll tell Masters to do it.

On many levels, you men have it much simpler than women. All you have to do is reach down and unzip your pants—it’s hanging right there in front of you. Society has traditionally characterized men as endlessly horny; no one’s going to call you out on masturbating.
People who masturbate are endlessly horny. Got it.

On the other hand, there’s only so much you can do with two hands and a penis, and finding different means of pleasuring yourself can prove difficult. It doesn’t help when the woman you are with is hand-job challenged—you might as well be working with your own limited resources. You’re always wondering how many of your friends are busy self-indulging and if they’re masturbating as frequently as you are.
What in the world is going on? I thought we were talking about masturbating. Where did the woman come from? Why am I worrying about my friends masturbating while she has her hands down my pants?

Society traditionally characterizes women as wholesome, reinforcing apprehensions a woman might have about masturbation’s being too “dirty.”
Just because you blame society doesn't mean you aren't reinforcing gender and sex stereotypes with statements like this. That, and maybe calling masturbation dirty at the beginning of the column. I'm pretty sure that didn't help.

These apprehensions are further complicated by the more recent development of men turning themselves on by watching women get themselves off.
That's a recent development?

One friend of mine confessed that she would feel like a “dirty whore” if she used one (though she calls me, all excited, every time she sleeps with somebody new).
So, you think your friend is a dirty whore anyways because she calls you excited about sleeping with someone new. Nice. Keep going with the value statements.

Alfred Kinsey found that it takes women less than four minutes to have an orgasm from masturbation—something partners rarely achieve for us.
Yet another jab at male sex partners. This seems like something you're very concerned about. As a sex columnist, have you thought about maybe helping your male readers learn to give a girl an orgasm or helping your female readers to have more orgasms? No, just going to keep blaming the male race.

There is absolutely no reason why anyone should be secretive or feel guilty about masturbating. It may be different strokes for different folks, but there is no denying that we all do it. Know your comfort line and push it to the limit. Orgasm away.

780 words and this is what we learn. After Miriam tells us that masturbating is dirty, that just using our hands is boring, and that we masturbate only because we're gross, endlessly horny individuals, she leaves us with her trademark abrupt one-line conclusion (does anyone think she copied this idea from Natalie Krinsky? more on that later...), "different strokes for different folks... orgasm away." Thanks Miriam. I so want to take Captain Picard up to warp speed after this one.

(Yes, I, Captain Subtext, do have a nick name for my penis. I've also nicknamed my testes. The left one is James Westfall and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right and you might get to meet the whole gang.)

~ CS


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