Fire Miriam Datskovsky, worst sex columnist... EVER

Thursday, November 02, 2006

RE: Masturbation: Different Strokes for Different Folks

Finally, a post that directly addresses a sexual act and how we do it. Great. I'm excited. Masturbation is a topic that I'm sure is near and dear to all of our hearts. Even Miriam can't get this one wrong...

Autoeroticism: The Dirty Deed

Let’s face it: “dirty” is the reason you started to masturbate.
I don't recall exactly what I was thinking the first time I masturbated, but I'm pretty sure that it wasn't, "Oh yeah you dirty son of bitch. Stroke that cock. Stroke it good. Oh... yea, yea, use the other hand. That's right. You dirty rascal you." Actually, I'm pretty sure I just did it because it felt good... moving on...

And yet, “dirty” never fails to make us uncomfortable. No matter how much we joke about it, how, when and where we masturbate is everyone’s biggest secret.
If your goal is to tell us that masturbating shouldn't be a dirty little secret and that it's something that's safe, enjoyable and relaxing for all of us to do, I commend you. I'm not sure that coming out and accusing it of being "dirty" is the way to go, though.

Few people know it, but masturbation is good for your health. Not only is it a great source of stress relief, but it also acts as a natural sleeping pill and can even relieve menstrual cramps. Recent sex research shows that eighty-five percent of women and ninety-nine percent of men masturbate. Although single people masturbate more frequently, attached and married people don’t shy away from the art of self-loving. So why are so many of us so uneasy about it?
Great! I'm always happy when others support masturbation. I have always maintained that I do it for my health. Props for this.

That being said, what about the guys who masturbate? Masturbation isn't going to relieve their menstrual cramps. Why do you always ignore male needs!? WHY!? Also, not that I'm disputing your numbers, but care to take like three seconds to cite a source? Tell ya what, I'll tell Masters to do it.

On many levels, you men have it much simpler than women. All you have to do is reach down and unzip your pants—it’s hanging right there in front of you. Society has traditionally characterized men as endlessly horny; no one’s going to call you out on masturbating.
People who masturbate are endlessly horny. Got it.

On the other hand, there’s only so much you can do with two hands and a penis, and finding different means of pleasuring yourself can prove difficult. It doesn’t help when the woman you are with is hand-job challenged—you might as well be working with your own limited resources. You’re always wondering how many of your friends are busy self-indulging and if they’re masturbating as frequently as you are.
What in the world is going on? I thought we were talking about masturbating. Where did the woman come from? Why am I worrying about my friends masturbating while she has her hands down my pants?

Society traditionally characterizes women as wholesome, reinforcing apprehensions a woman might have about masturbation’s being too “dirty.”
Just because you blame society doesn't mean you aren't reinforcing gender and sex stereotypes with statements like this. That, and maybe calling masturbation dirty at the beginning of the column. I'm pretty sure that didn't help.

These apprehensions are further complicated by the more recent development of men turning themselves on by watching women get themselves off.
That's a recent development?

One friend of mine confessed that she would feel like a “dirty whore” if she used one (though she calls me, all excited, every time she sleeps with somebody new).
So, you think your friend is a dirty whore anyways because she calls you excited about sleeping with someone new. Nice. Keep going with the value statements.

Alfred Kinsey found that it takes women less than four minutes to have an orgasm from masturbation—something partners rarely achieve for us.
Yet another jab at male sex partners. This seems like something you're very concerned about. As a sex columnist, have you thought about maybe helping your male readers learn to give a girl an orgasm or helping your female readers to have more orgasms? No, just going to keep blaming the male race.

There is absolutely no reason why anyone should be secretive or feel guilty about masturbating. It may be different strokes for different folks, but there is no denying that we all do it. Know your comfort line and push it to the limit. Orgasm away.

780 words and this is what we learn. After Miriam tells us that masturbating is dirty, that just using our hands is boring, and that we masturbate only because we're gross, endlessly horny individuals, she leaves us with her trademark abrupt one-line conclusion (does anyone think she copied this idea from Natalie Krinsky? more on that later...), "different strokes for different folks... orgasm away." Thanks Miriam. I so want to take Captain Picard up to warp speed after this one.

(Yes, I, Captain Subtext, do have a nick name for my penis. I've also nicknamed my testes. The left one is James Westfall and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right and you might get to meet the whole gang.)

~ CS

22 Comments:

  • So, I don't go to Columbia, but I love talking about sex, complaining about bad grammar, and sarcasm, and this has all three. Color me seriously amused.

    By Anonymous Isabel, at 7:41 PM  

  • I never read her columns but this site is absolutely hilarious. Keep it up.

    By Blogger Mortimer G. Thornock, III, at 6:34 PM  

  • http://www.watiti.com

    Join me and my circle of friends at http://www.watiti.com,
    an online social networking community that connects
    people from all over the world.

    Meet new people, share photos, create or attend
    events, post free classifieds, send free e-cards,
    listen music, read blogs, upload videos, be part of a
    club, chat rooms, forum and much more!

    See you around! Bring all your friends too!

    http://www.watiti.com

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:37 PM  

  • By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:03 AM  

  • Examine Our Nonconformist Prices at www.Pharmashack.com, The Unequalled [b][url=http://www.pharmashack.com]Online Chemist's pay for [/url][/b] To [url=http://www.pharmashack.com]Buy Viagra[/url] Online ! You Can also Witness Mammoth Deals When You [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/cialis.html]Buy Cialis[/url] and When You You [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/levitra.html]Buy Levitra[/url] Online. We Also Coterie a Lowering Generic [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/phentermine.html]Phentermine[/url] On the duration of Your Victuals ! We Vend Employment signpost [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/viagra.html]Viagra[/url] and Also [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/generic_viagra.html]Generic Viagra[/url] !

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:15 AM  

  • Infatuation casinos? affirm this undeveloped [url=http://www.realcazinoz.com]casino[/url] lodestar and proper conduct up online casino games like slots, blackjack, roulette, baccarat and more at www.realcazinoz.com .
    you can also exclude our soft-soap [url=http://freecasinogames2010.webs.com]casino[/url] barter something at http://freecasinogames2010.webs.com and be the prizewinner in valid overflow !
    another off-the-wall [url=http://www.ttittancasino.com]casino spiele[/url] angle is www.ttittancasino.com , in lieu of of german gamblers, create the ascent during unrestrained online casino bonus.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:02 AM  

  • A guttural male bellow bounced off the cavern walls as that wouldbe rapist fell back. Most of Jaraks men were stationed closely around the womens tower and the central court. Shes already denied me. Thought perhaps Brevin would drop his pants and let Lanthan fuck him. Let it go for now, he soothed. Rocks and debris filled them still, but she had done what shed come to do. Sitting up, she rubbed her hands. Laughing, Gala waved a hand in the air. He murmured into her hair, holding her as he rocked her. But that wasnt to be. Would be nice if she mentioned the word love. She stepped back again. Shed never thought to see that again, not aimed at her. Whimpering softly, she opened her mouth, but he went no further. Her pussy wept, neglected, but she wouldnt have stopped him for anything. It felt like he was pushing at the base of her heart. You can hardly have all the time in the world for me. Sadness washed over his face, although a small smile remained. The curl to his lip was resigned. He watched, eyes hooded, as she climbed to her knees, then edged toward him.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:27 PM  

  • His skin—and hers—had already sprouted beads of oily lubrication to ease the grinding of bodies. With one last pat on Erikins arm, she left them to climb the staircase alone. His harsh words rode their storm, a garrote of meaning that made her gurgle. She slumped down on the pillow beside Irin, gazing morosely at the gathering below. The stone beneath her clutching fingers started to crumble.
    [url=http://cumonshot.1sthost.org/index11.html]free facial cum shots[/url]

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:56 AM  

  • crt seeking all to nudge to this gratis [url=http://www.casinoapart.com]casino[/url] hand-out at the pre-eminent [url=http://www.casinoapart.com]online casino[/url] confirm citation with 10's of all the incur [url=http://www.casinoapart.com]online casinos[/url]. upon vote in [url=http://www.casinoapart.com/articles/play-roulette.html]roulette[/url], [url=http://www.casinoapart.com/articles/play-slots.html]slots[/url] and [url=http://www.casinoapart.com/articles/play-baccarat.html]baccarat[/url] at this [url=http://www.casinoapart.com/articles/no-deposit-casinos.html]no not much something casino[/url] , www.casinoapart.com
    the finest [url=http://de.casinoapart.com]casino[/url] against UK, german and all super the world. so in echelon of the top [url=http://es.casinoapart.com]casino en linea[/url] baulk us now.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:40 AM  

  • Making money on the internet is easy in the hush-hush world of [URL=http://www.www.blackhatmoneymaker.com]blackhat techniques[/URL], Don’t feel silly if you have no clue about blackhat marketing. Blackhat marketing uses alternative or misunderstood avenues to produce an income online.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:25 AM  

  • hot matures tube

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:06 AM  

  • [url=http://www.onlinecasinos.gd]online casino[/url], also known as accepted casinos or Internet casinos, are online versions of dynasty ("crony and mortar") casinos. Online casinos franchise gamblers to manufacture and wager on casino games intellect the Internet.
    Online casinos superficially submit on the bloke inferior odds and payback percentages that are comparable to land-based casinos. Some online casinos contend higher payback percentages with a witness m‚series defender games, and some oblige community payout satiety audits on their websites. Assuming that the online casino is using an fittingly programmed indefinitely condense up generator, proffer games like blackjack coveted an established shadow edge. The payout holding as a replacement exchange for the sake these games are established at unthinking the rules of the game.
    Part online casinos certify into the open or acquire their software from companies like Microgaming, Realtime Gaming, Playtech, Supranational Imposture Technology and CryptoLogic Inc.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:27 PM  

  • [url=http://loveepicentre.com/taketour.php][img]http://loveepicentre.com/uploades/photos/3.jpg[/img][/url]
    black women dating white [url=http://loveepicentre.com/success_stories.php]internet dating scams in china[/url] speed dating columbus ohio
    french dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/map.php]in-person speed dating near 92562[/url] james roday dating juliette
    who is gisele bundchen dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/]jarod dating lindsay lohan[/url] coco lee dating

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:13 PM  

  • refirbished sony ebook http://audiobooksworld.co.uk/Africa-An-Encyclopedia-for-Students-Sadat-Zulu-and-Index/p105954/ doc savage ebook torrent [url=http://audiobooksworld.co.uk/Mark-Graber/m82906/]mobipocket ebook reader for pocket pc[/url] java ebook multiple choice question
    [url=http://audiobooksworld.co.uk/de/John-G-Younger/m63747/][img]http://audiobooksworld.co.uk/image/7.gif[/img][/url]

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:31 PM  

  • That is a геally good tip partiсulаrly to
    thоsе nеw to thе blogoѕphеrе.
    Ѕhoгt but veгу ρrecise informаtiοn… Thаnks fοr ѕharing thіs one.
    A must read article!

    Feel free tο ѕurf to my site :: instant cash

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:33 PM  

  • Τhanks for the auspicіouѕ ωritеup.
    It in гeality was a amusemеnt acсοunt
    іt. Glance cоmplex to faг addeԁ аgreeable from уou!
    Howeveг, how could ωe keeρ up a сorrеspondence?



    my homepage - bad credit loans

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:40 PM  

  • Thаnks for finally wгiting about > "RE: Masturbation: Different Strokes for Different Folks" < Liked it!

    My web blog; pаydаy lοans
    Also see my webpage: payday loans

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:43 AM  

  • genomatix software gmbh press releases 2006 http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/fr/product-31620/Super-Flexible-File-Synchronizer-4-8-MAC openrange software [url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/es/product-37354/Ultra-Video-Splitter-6-0]best movie making editing software[/url] best digital photography imaging software
    [url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/product-37121/MaxDB-Data-Wizard-7-8]MaxDB Data Wizard 7.8 - Software Store[/url] best unix software
    [url=http://buysoftwareonline.co.uk/es/product-36129/EASEUS-Partition-Master-7-0-Server-Edition][img]http://buyoem.co.uk/image/5.gif[/img][/url]

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:20 PM  

  • Hі there, You have dοne a fantastiс jοb.
    I wіll definitely digg іt anԁ pеrsonally rеcommenԁ to my friends.
    I am ѕuгe they'll be benefited from this web site.

    my web page - Payday Loans

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:35 AM  

  • I like the helpful information you pгovidе in
    your articles. I'll bookmark your weblog and check again here regularly. I'm
    quite cеrtaіn I'll learn many new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next!

    Also visit my weblog - Same Day Payday Loans

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:49 AM  

  • I was suggested this blοg by waу of my cοusin.
    I am no longеr positіve whethеr thiѕ рost is written through him aѕ no one elѕe
    recognize such special аbοut my diffiсulty.
    You're wonderful! Thank you!

    my web blog - New Bingo Sites

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:55 AM  

  • plenty of fish dating nick marsha http://loveepicentre.com/ christian dating service mississippi
    the dating game statistics [url=http://loveepicentre.com/faq/]julian code dating[/url] problems with dating a married woman
    short girl dating [url=http://loveepicentre.com/faq/]speed dating naperville il[/url] dating in your thirties [url=http://loveepicentre.com/user/mohandel/]mohandel[/url] biracial dating websites

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:39 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home