Fire Miriam Datskovsky, worst sex columnist... EVER

Monday, November 13, 2006

RE: Bisexuality: More Than Marissa and Alex Making Out

As I'm sure you all know, the Marissa is Marissa Cooper, beloved teenage alcoholic from TV's The OC. Let us all bow our heads, as she is in a better TV place.

I don't want to tarnish poor Marissa's reputation by linking to the unfortunate piece written by my favorite sex columnist, but she's dead so I guess it doesn't matter.

Miriam is on fire!

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t as excited as the next person to see the highly-anticipated, entirely overrated kiss on last week’s episode of The O.C.
And I'd be lying if I said that this didn't actually endear you to me, sweety.

there was no raunchiness, and it lasted for two seconds during the last minute of an hour-long episode.
I don't know what you were expecting, Miriam. Fox, for all its bluster, is a network. The government says things about how much hot girl-on-girl action is allowed on the public's air. Believe me, I would like to see nothing more than lesbian sex for a solid hour, but sometimes we have to use the internet for that stuff.

Just to make sure viewers were really turned on
Do you really think Fox wanted to turn us on that much? I mean, it's not like the straight kisses on the OC are marathon snog sessions that last for 20 minutes. Let's not crucify Fox for this one. At least they had a lesbian kiss.

Second, since when did the “L” word stop being “love” and become “lesbian?”
Since a show about lesbians came out called "The L Word." That sort of changed the meaning, even though the producers intended for there to be ambiguity over the lesbian/love question. Since lesbians don't have a lot of tv shows and love does, people associated the L Word with lesbians as a point of accessibility. I'm really good at this game.

I’ve definitely seen better real-life action than The O.C., though whether or not I’ve participated in it I’m going to have to leave up to your imagination.
I find it odd that Miriam, usually so forthcoming with details about her love life, declines to mention any experience she has. Especially since the whole column is about not being labled and not worrying about what society thinks. It's a little hypocritical. Two things are possible: One, she hasn't done anything, but wants us to think she has (probably). Two, she has done things, but she liked it and doesn't want to admit that because it would hurt her thesis that sex is crap (probably not, but, hey, who knows?).

It’s gotten to the point where it’s just not all that exciting anymore for a guy to see two girls make out.
I have never read anything more wrong before in my life. I am "a guy." I like to see two girls making out. I know it's not a scholarly source, but visit collegehumor.com and check out some of the pictures and videos. I'm pretty sure they aren't putting those up to bore people. In fact, I bet the people at those parties aren't taking the pictures to show how boring the party was.

Seriously, though, how is it possible that Miriam can speak for all guys on this one? She's a straight girl who is only impressed by full-on lesbian sex (apparently). I'm pretty sure her one guy friend who told her he wasn't interested was not a representative sample. Once again, we show the need for a large sample size.

It may seem funny to claim that bisexuality is bullshit—it’s just an excuse to get twice as much ass—and leave it at that, but let’s be honest: sexual identity is about much more than that.
Well, here's the thing about that. I'm not a bisexual. If I wanted to double my output of ass, I would do it by having sex with twice as many girls. Because I'm not a bisexual. Bisexuals feel differently than I do. Saying it's bullshit is, oh what's the word? Retarded, right. This is so obvious that I'm upset you brought it up. At least you got this one right in the end.

As a diehard Eagles fan, I was admittedly turned off by the author’s reverence for Tom Brady.
Miriam has obviously never seen Tom Brady, he of godlike poise and heroic stubble. If she had, she would have said this:

"So Tom Brady supposedly had a bad game Sunday and the Patriots lost? I don't know if I agree. At the end of the game he was soaking wet, covered in mud and in soft focus because of fog condensing on the camera lens. In my book that makes us all winners. Rawrrr." -DJ Gallo

Sorry, I got a little sidetracked. It just irks me when anyone insinuates they aren't irrepressibly attracted to Tom Brady. We all know that's impossible.

Is sexual identity, as Tapley’s column suggests, a reflection of cultural and societal interests? Do we define our sexual identity based on our ability to speak “Manglish” or how much we act like the characters in Chasing Amy or In and Out?
Thank God. I was worried I might have to learn something interesting that another writer wrote without being subjected to a DLRQ along the way. Let's answer these questions, shall we?

A gay friend of mine
Can speak for every gay man ever.

A family friend
Can speak for every bisexual ever.

A girlfriend of mine
Once again, Miriam's patented "Three people = all the data you need" theorem allows us to answer complex questions without thinking too hard.

A gay man’s choice to get into a relationship with a woman or a straight woman’s decision to kiss her best friend is almost always based on some form of emotional investment.
Miriam always does this. She uses these phrases like "almost always" to cover her ass if there's any question she's wrong about something. Back in the closet days, a gay man's choice to get married had little to do with emotions. And if collegehumor.com has taught me anything, it's that a girl's decision to kiss her best friend is often based on some form of alcohol investment. But since I only have time to list two counterexamples, she must be right, since she said "almost always." I hate my life.

Bisexuality has a lot more to do with love and a lot less to do with months of media hype and a two-second kiss than FOX would like to think.
Besides the fact that Miriam hasn't really proven bisexuality has anything to do with love, it's a strawman argument to say that FOX thinks that media hype = bisexuality. I'm pretty sure even Bill-o knows that TV doesn't make bisexuals.

In a world where popular culture plays such a large role in our lives, it’s undeniably difficult to define and be comfortable with your sexual identity.
For some people, yes. For other people, it's actually very easy. I know you like to generalize, Miriam, but come on. You seem like you're pretty comfortable with your sexual identity.

CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE ALERT:
When it comes to society’s drawing boxes around what is gay, lesbian, straight, or bisexual, the media is often to blame.
Good point, Miriam. It would actually be interesting to write a whole column about this. Oh, wait, that's what you were trying to do, but you got sidetracked and wrote something that is only peripherally related.

But it doesn’t stop there: these lines are drawn in the most minute aspects of our lives, from the way we talk to the clothes we wear.
Not a necessary line. We know you're sensitive to media influence, Miriam. You just told us. We already gave you that round of applause. Now you're just grubbing for it.

In the end there is no one way to be gay, lesbian, straight, or bisexual; who you are and what you do are entirely up to you.
Once again, a conclusion that serves to invalidate everything that came before it. It's like Miriam panics at the end of every article and decides to hedge her bets. "Hey, maybe people will think the advice I hinted at was bad, so I'd better put in some generic, feel-good advice at the end so everyone will love me!"

No matter what, it’s sexy.
Just so you know the template was used in this one too. A stinger. How creative. I feel happy inside. I don't know what's sexy, but whatever it is, it gives me delight.

By the by, Mischa Barton was in a lesbian movie before she was on "The OC." I'm a little surprised that Miriam didn't mention "Lost and Delirious" once in the whole column. Oh, wait, no I'm not. That would have lent an air of continuity to the thing, and lord knows we don't want that.

-MM

Thursday, November 09, 2006

RE: Roller-Coaster Romance: Let's Get Rid of the Loops

Well, now that Miriam has filled her talking-about-sex quota for the month with her previous column on masturbation, we've got to go back and analyze "social norms" and woefully complicated and awkward mating rituals that we apparently are all the victims of.

Strap Yourself In It's Going to be a Bumpy Ride

We waste too much time on sex. It would be one thing if we were spending all our time and energy on achieving increasingly higher levels of orgasmic ecstasy—I have absolutely no objection to that
No, you waste too much time on this "sex" column. Please, spend some energy on helping us achieve higher levels of orgasmic ecstasy and prove me wrong.

In the good old days, and by that I mean the prehistoric good old days, sex was simple. You had sex, you enjoyed it, and you didn’t worry about what anyone else thought or what something someone said meant.
Ah, yes. "Sex so easy even a cave man could do it." I'm pretty sure even cavemen worried about what someone else - namely their partner - thought about their performance in the bedrock.

But is it really empowering for a woman to ask a man out? Can a woman have any power in a sexual relationship if she isn’t making the guy crawl to her? Do prescribed gender roles in a relationship necessarily make the relationship unequal?

And, with the return of horrendous column topics comes the return of the DLRQ!

Guys are supposed to want to have sex right off the bat, but girls who feel the same way are branded sluts. I can think of at least three close guy friends who always wait to have sex with girls they like, and I can think of the same number of girl friends who are totally comfortable with sex on a first date.
Wow, you dug deep for that bit of research. I can think of a situation where at least five of my most attractive female friends can't help but want to fondle my testicles. Therefore, the theory that I'm an unattractive loner is debunked.

*Note: Not saying that Miriam isn't right in saying that gender stereotypes are unfair and unnecessary. Just saying that she picked about the least cogent way to prove it.*

With so many stereotypes swarming around, people are bound to have double standards. What about the raging feminist who demands equality between men and women but then holds men, but not women, accountable for their actions when they’re drunk?
What about you stereotyping feminists as raging and having double standards?

Of course we’re addicted to thinking and analyzing all things sexual: how else would we deal with society’s telling us one thing and someone’s doing another?
So, with the topic sentence of the previous paragraph being about stereotypes and double standards, you've decided to immediately switch gears and ponder on why we analyze sex all the time. Can you just not decide whether or not to write about stereotypes and social norms again?

It’s a fucking roller coaster ride with six different kind of loops that doesn’t feel good because it bangs your head around too much.
So... eloquent...

Half of the time our thinking and re-thinking, analyzing and re-analyzing is over something petty that means absolutely nothing.
Presumptuous alert. I've been analyzing and re-analyzing why my girlfriend isn't comfortable letting me cum in her ear. I dare you to tell me that that means absolutely nothing. You can't because you know what? It's important to me! Okay? *sob*

So find something else to talk to about. I’m tired of getting a headache every time I walk into 212.
Ah, textbook conclusion. Pithy remark having little to do with your article. It took me like four minutes to realize what you were alluding to. I think it's that throwaway line about having the same conversation everywhere, but you didn't single out 212 then. Why are you doing it now? Just because 212 smells funny sometimes doesn't mean you have to call it out. 212 tries its best.

So, after an almost acceptable column, Miriam dives back into her cess pool of reusable material. Has anyone noticed that "social norms" and gender stereotypes seem to dominate virtually every column? (That and her incessant need to throw in a sentence based on the column's title despite the fact that it is out of place and completely unnecessary for making her point.) Gee, a column titled, "Roller Coaster Romance: Let's Get Rid of the Loops," has nothing to do with events that might make for a roller coaster romance. Nope, it's about how social norms keep us from having positive romantic relationships. Well, I guess we're just fucked then. Society doesn't want us to have sex, be romantic, or enjoy the company of other humans. Thanks, sex columnist.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Nice Work

A new blog called "She's Such a Geek" gets it right in denouncing The Female Brain.

Smart women like sex

The part about vibrators is a keeper.

-MM

Thursday, November 02, 2006

RE: Masturbation: Different Strokes for Different Folks

Finally, a post that directly addresses a sexual act and how we do it. Great. I'm excited. Masturbation is a topic that I'm sure is near and dear to all of our hearts. Even Miriam can't get this one wrong...

Autoeroticism: The Dirty Deed

Let’s face it: “dirty” is the reason you started to masturbate.
I don't recall exactly what I was thinking the first time I masturbated, but I'm pretty sure that it wasn't, "Oh yeah you dirty son of bitch. Stroke that cock. Stroke it good. Oh... yea, yea, use the other hand. That's right. You dirty rascal you." Actually, I'm pretty sure I just did it because it felt good... moving on...

And yet, “dirty” never fails to make us uncomfortable. No matter how much we joke about it, how, when and where we masturbate is everyone’s biggest secret.
If your goal is to tell us that masturbating shouldn't be a dirty little secret and that it's something that's safe, enjoyable and relaxing for all of us to do, I commend you. I'm not sure that coming out and accusing it of being "dirty" is the way to go, though.

Few people know it, but masturbation is good for your health. Not only is it a great source of stress relief, but it also acts as a natural sleeping pill and can even relieve menstrual cramps. Recent sex research shows that eighty-five percent of women and ninety-nine percent of men masturbate. Although single people masturbate more frequently, attached and married people don’t shy away from the art of self-loving. So why are so many of us so uneasy about it?
Great! I'm always happy when others support masturbation. I have always maintained that I do it for my health. Props for this.

That being said, what about the guys who masturbate? Masturbation isn't going to relieve their menstrual cramps. Why do you always ignore male needs!? WHY!? Also, not that I'm disputing your numbers, but care to take like three seconds to cite a source? Tell ya what, I'll tell Masters to do it.

On many levels, you men have it much simpler than women. All you have to do is reach down and unzip your pants—it’s hanging right there in front of you. Society has traditionally characterized men as endlessly horny; no one’s going to call you out on masturbating.
People who masturbate are endlessly horny. Got it.

On the other hand, there’s only so much you can do with two hands and a penis, and finding different means of pleasuring yourself can prove difficult. It doesn’t help when the woman you are with is hand-job challenged—you might as well be working with your own limited resources. You’re always wondering how many of your friends are busy self-indulging and if they’re masturbating as frequently as you are.
What in the world is going on? I thought we were talking about masturbating. Where did the woman come from? Why am I worrying about my friends masturbating while she has her hands down my pants?

Society traditionally characterizes women as wholesome, reinforcing apprehensions a woman might have about masturbation’s being too “dirty.”
Just because you blame society doesn't mean you aren't reinforcing gender and sex stereotypes with statements like this. That, and maybe calling masturbation dirty at the beginning of the column. I'm pretty sure that didn't help.

These apprehensions are further complicated by the more recent development of men turning themselves on by watching women get themselves off.
That's a recent development?

One friend of mine confessed that she would feel like a “dirty whore” if she used one (though she calls me, all excited, every time she sleeps with somebody new).
So, you think your friend is a dirty whore anyways because she calls you excited about sleeping with someone new. Nice. Keep going with the value statements.

Alfred Kinsey found that it takes women less than four minutes to have an orgasm from masturbation—something partners rarely achieve for us.
Yet another jab at male sex partners. This seems like something you're very concerned about. As a sex columnist, have you thought about maybe helping your male readers learn to give a girl an orgasm or helping your female readers to have more orgasms? No, just going to keep blaming the male race.

There is absolutely no reason why anyone should be secretive or feel guilty about masturbating. It may be different strokes for different folks, but there is no denying that we all do it. Know your comfort line and push it to the limit. Orgasm away.

780 words and this is what we learn. After Miriam tells us that masturbating is dirty, that just using our hands is boring, and that we masturbate only because we're gross, endlessly horny individuals, she leaves us with her trademark abrupt one-line conclusion (does anyone think she copied this idea from Natalie Krinsky? more on that later...), "different strokes for different folks... orgasm away." Thanks Miriam. I so want to take Captain Picard up to warp speed after this one.

(Yes, I, Captain Subtext, do have a nick name for my penis. I've also nicknamed my testes. The left one is James Westfall and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right and you might get to meet the whole gang.)

~ CS