Fire Miriam Datskovsky, worst sex columnist... EVER

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

RE: Six Degrees of Sexual Frustration

Miriam Needs Your Help

I have to hand it to her. It's her fifth column and she's finally talking about actually having sex. Well, she's decided to recount all of her terrible sexual experiences. Obviously, she's at a loss for how to make her sex better. Let's see if we can lend a hand.

It is nature’s most frustrating law: with everything good must come something bad. Columbia’s academics are excellent, but, let’s face it, our athletics are sub-par. The Red Sox won the World Series; Kerry lost the election. My last lover was good in bed, but a moron in the realm of dating. Another before him was a sweetheart, but terrible in bed. Harsh, but true: sex is no exception to the law—it was created as a part of nature.
False. Repeat after me: "Correlation does not equal causation." Good does not cause bad. Miriam just likes to approach everything from the negative. Also, since we're trying to find correlations between completely unrelated situations (Red Sox and John Kerry? Oh, because both are from Massachusetts! They are totally one in the same!), let me see if I can create a "dis-proof" of this paragraph in a similar manner. Halle Barry was topless in "Swordfish" - good. I got to see Halle Barry's boobs - really good. QED.

Now, onto the bad sex Miriam's had...

Short sex has got to be the most awkward, and it doesn’t help when he starts apologizing profusely, because you both already feel terrible enough.
Agreed. This is terrible sex unless you planned having it that way (like for a morning quickie or some afternoon delight). Miriam, as a sex columnist, would you be kind enough to give some advice on how to avoid the causes of unplanned short sex?

Tight/limp sex (in layman’s terms, when she’s too tight, or he can’t get it up, or both) comes in as a close second on the awkward scale.
Guess you won't provide any insights for us. You're just going to go onto your next experience with ungratifying sex.

there is much more to the art of the sex then pumping up and down as fast as you can. Be honest with your lover about your inexperience, or go buy The Idiot’s Guide to Sex; just don’t pull the “jackrabbit” moves.
Let me get this straight. I've spent all this time reading a column about sex and now you're telling me to get sex tips elsewhere? Well, maybe The Spectator should just start publishing excerpts from The Idiots Guide to Sex because this sex column written by an idiot clearly isn't helping anyone.

The Entire Paragraph on Make-up and Rebound Sex
If anyone can make sense of this paragraph specifically as to why make-up and rebound sex are lumped together. Please email: firemiriam@gmail.com

One would expect it to be easier to gauge the we’re-gonna-fuck-until-we-both-come-even-though-it’s-not-gonna-happen sex; unfortunately it is our inability to make that judgment that results in this final kind of bad sex... Save the sex while it’s still good: stop ahead of schedule.
Finally, some "advice". Now, when exactly do I stop? After I insert? Before I insert? When my dick starts to get limp? Should we have a deep heart-to-hear before we have sex and see if we want to come today?

I have to ask myself: why the hell have I come up with not one, but six different classifications of bad sex? Why does it happens so often?
Yup. The previous response was a foreshadowing. You thought Miriam would make it out of this column without a DLRQ (Datskovsky Line of Rhetorical Questioning)? You thought wrong. You thought she would use the DLRQ to pose and then answer questions that we might have about avoiding bad sex? You thought wrong. She won't even answer these questions because...

On the grand scheme of sexual things, how much does bad sex matter? There’s no denying the damage factor of bad sex: I’ve seen it destroy everything from booty-call potential to friendships and relationships. Just as there’s no easy way to tell a friend he or she has bad breath, there’s no easy way to tell a lover that he or she could use some bedroom guidance. Is bad sex a problem in and of itself, or do we make it a problem? How many people believe they’re good in bed because no one informed them otherwise? That said, is there a way in which we can communicate to our lovers about bad sex?
You got it. That was just a warm up DLRQ. And, since it's nearing the end of her column/word limit, she needs to get in a jab about how sex can destroy all your relationships. If you ask me, we're five columns into "Sexplorations" and I don't see much exploring outside of the world of awkward, relationship-destroying sex.

On the one hand, as the “victim,” bad sex has very little to do with you: shortness, limp dick, tight dryness, and rebound tendencies are almost always a reflection of your lover. On the other hand, as the “victim,” bad sex has everything to do with you: if you keep faking, your lover’s only going to continue to do the “great” things he or she thinks he’s doing. If you can’t bring yourself to share your dirty secrets out loud, show him or her. Take the lead in bed and guide your lover. Avoid drunken sex until you both get it right.
Finally, some actually useful sex advice - Be honest with each other. I like that. I will give credit where credit is due. Sex is about everyone involved's enjoyment and it is important to be open about what you like and don't like, what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. That being said; I can't help but feel that, despite the attempt to use "he or she" and "him or her" to make this paragraph seem universal in its target, Miriam was speaking to only one half of the human population... or maybe just to herself.

It’s easier to hear it early on, before you or your lover feels embarrassed or angry, from a friend rather than from someone you love.

So, suddenly we only have sex with people we are friends with and can only fall in love after the sex. For a person who has claimed that emotions are "bullshit" and that sex is seperate from all that, I can't help but feel that Miriam is being a bit of a flip-flopper. I personally don't see why a sex column necessarily has to delve into the relationship issues that can come with sex, but, if you are going to do that, shouldn't you be open to the many kinds of choices people can make about who they have sex with and when they choose to do it? Some people have emotionless sex. Some people need to be in love before they have sex. Let's not assume that everyone is just like you, Miriam.

You’re bound to feel bad, but try to be kind, or take it for what it’s worth and know that things can only get better.
Well, after a bit of good advice on being open and honest, you leave us with a vague and confusing statement on how to achieve such openness and honesty. Might it be more helpful if you didn't suggest that we directly confront our sexual partners with statements about how they are poor in bed? I think it might be more fruitful to suggest more specific alternative approaches to communicating with your partner on such a touchy matter. Just off the top of my head, I could think of a few things like playing follow-the-leader in bed, gently directing their motions as they "perform" on you, or simply suggesting to your partner that they should focus their attention elsewhere. You know, statements like, "I really like it when you touch me like this." As opposed to, "I need to be honest and it's better you hear it now while we're just friends. I'm trying to put this as nicely as I can... You don't really know how to use your hands or any other part of your body. But, don't be mad. This is just to help you get better. We all want to be sex geniuses, right? " But, hey, I'm not the "supposed sex-connoisseur extraordinaire."


~CS

1 Comments:

  • I think you meant "one and the same".

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:33 PM  

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