Fire Miriam Datskovsky, worst sex columnist... EVER

Thursday, October 19, 2006

RE: Sexual Stereotypes in the Sack

For those of you who don't know, Miriam Datskovsky is the sex columnist for the Columbia Spectator. How she got this job, we're still not sure. We have found, however, this classified advertising the position:

Wanted: Sex columnist for college newspaper. Breadth of awkward sexual experience a plus. Knowledge of actual intercourse not important. Loathing of own sexuality a must. Anyone who has read "Strunk and White" need not apply.

Well, in an attempt to prove that Miriam fits every one of these "qualifications," we submit to you our series of responses. In her honor, they will be presented in the order she wrote her columns.

Miriam Datskovsky's Reign of Terror Begins (Countdown to 2007)

It's undeniable: the sounds of love, or, at any rate, lust coupled with affection, are all over campus as we enter the new semester. And the funny thing is, it isn't the whining pitch of a heart-broken girl.
Ah yes, the whining pitch of a heart-broken girl. A must in any sexual encounter... at least when Miriam is concerned. (Grammar note: the plural "sounds of love" are expressed in the singular "it. " Get used to this. At least you know what "it" refers to this time... kind of...)

While my girlfriends have quickly let go of their no-sex-without-love rules, my guy friends have become increasingly involved with the girls they hook up with. One of my female friends recently admitted that she masturbated so much that losing her virginity didn't hurt; my buddy across the hall secretly confesses that he can't be with a girl unless he loves her.
What exactly does masturbation have to do with pain and losing your virginity? Some girls don't feel pain when losing their virginity. Some do. Let's not base everyone ever on your two female friends and your one male friend. Some of us would call this a "Small Sample Size"... but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt...

like the day your high school teacher announced that the perception that men are hornier than women is simply a social convention and not, in fact, a matter of science
Sorry Miriam, I'm not sure this ever happened to me.

Admittedly, there are girls here seeking a relationship, but there are also those who want the sex without the emotional bullshit.
Yes, if you swear, it makes you sound like you're being more honest. I like how you sling from the hip. A lesson for all the kids at home - emotions are bullshit.

And I have seen men step comfortably into typically feminine acts--worrying about their performances in bed or calling three times even when their dinner invites were refused, for example.
Really? It's not masculine to worry about your performance in bed? Oh, I remember, that's because the ideal man is "in-out, on with the TV." Oh, and, while we're on genderizing, stalkerish phone calls are totally a girl thing to do. I bet that's what Malibu Barbie would do. Ever notice that Ken always calls Barbie? (Until they broke up... that bitch... I digress...)

It is almost as if we want the opposite sex to occupy the dictated role; we are uncomfortable when we are able to be honest with each other. Do guys want girls to think they're macho and sex-addicted and want girls to play the sweet, innocent part? Do girls want guys to think they're angelic and demure but to go after them like sick dogs? It is widely accepted that the sweet side of a man always surfaces when he wants a relationship, so why is it so hard to believe that the rough-'n-tough side of a woman surfaces when all she wants is sex?
When a woman is rough-'n-tough does she become a man? Oh my, the circular rhetorical questioning! What's your point? Did you even have an idea of what you were going to write about when you started? Did you know this is the third to last paragraph? Are we just going to continue to genderize throughout this article? Are you even against genderizing? Does this paragraph sound smarter because I used a lot of question marks?

In the crazy world of our college sex life, where the rules of the game are about as clear as the New York City skyline on a hazy August day, this question is yet another cloud.
Woah. You just blew my mind. Clouds... from the stormy seas and rough surf of coital passions in our combined "college sex life." Well, at least we're in "our college sex life" together, Miriam. Another way to phrase this might be, "where the rules of the game are about as clear as a Miriam Datskovsky article." Now you don't need the lengthy, confusing metaphor.

The truth is that we may never do so. Or we may get lucky and meet our dream lover on the first shot. Or we might find out what we wanted was, in fact, not what we expected. Massive sexual confusion may persist, but we'll never figure it out unless we try.
This is actually the closing paragraph from another article she wrote. Haha... no it wasn't. But you thought it was didn't you? By the way, does anyone feel like having sex after this? Oh the hot, massive sexual confusion. I'm so turned on.



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