Fire Miriam Datskovsky, worst sex columnist... EVER

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

RE: Insertion is Nine Tenths of the Law

The big "V"

I was ready to give Miriam the benefit of the doubt. I'm a guy, she's a girl. Losing one's virginity is a lot different if you're a guy. My first experience wasn't bad at all. In fact, we had sex three times that night. I'm not bragging. Everyone's first experience is different. There's no way Miriam can anger me with this column.

The night I lost my virginity my mom was downstairs checking her e-mail. It was a little weird—wrong maybe—but it was high school: you did what you had to.
Well, maybe this isn't the best way to start a sex column. I mean, most people don't want their parents involved in these sorts of situations. But hey, she's just illustrating a point. Her Mom has email. And besides, we did do what we had to in high school. So this is a pretty good start.

What we fail to realize in our fantasies are the realities of losing your virginity: the pressure to either “get it over with” or “wait until marriage,” the awkwardness of not knowing what to do or how to do it, and dealing with the less romantic situations available to virgins our age.

Well, see, that's why they're called fantasies. Because they have little to do with reality. But that ridiculous bit of wordplay aside, she's right. Some people do feel pressure, sometimes it is awkward, sometimes it's not romantic. I know she's generalizing, but let's give her some leeway. She knows we aren't all the same, and I'm sure she'll mention it eventually.

Excitement aside, when it comes down to it, the big V is quite frightening.
There are two possible meanings for "the big V": Virginity or Vagina. Neither of them are particularly frightening. Although Miriam's fear of her vagina might come back to haunt us later on.

The point she's trying to make is "losing 'the big V' is quite frightening." Which can be true. I would imagine if someone woke up with her vagina missing, she might feel a degree of consternation.

What constitutes losing it anyway?
Well, maybe you could answer that for us!

I was recently disturbed by a high school friend’s confession that she had mistaken the loss of her virginity: “I thought he was doing something with my butt, but actually he wasn’t, so what I thought was my first time really was the second.”
Well, that's not really an answer but...

Last time I checked, insertion constituted loss of virginity.
Oh. Well, I guess that's it then. You poke, you pay. So that's the end of it.

She might not have been having sex before college because she couldn’t get any, but the question stands: to do or not to do?
That's a cheap shot at the poor girl who thought high schoolers shouldn't be having sex.

I have several college friends—male and female—who remain virgins, but then there’s also the hallmate who proudly described her first time as the act of a “desperate virgin.”
Wait, I just noticed. Miriam is talking about her friends again. I don't mean to be a jerk, but, uh, small sample size? The only thing that could make this article turn south faster would be the DLRQ (TM) (Datskovsky Line of Rhetorical Questioning).

If you are going to go ahead and do it, do you wait until you’re in love or do you get it over with? Is it simply a question of waiting until you’re ready, regardless of whether it’s with a long-term partner, and old friend, or someone completely random?
Great. Are you going to answer any of these this time?

Just to complicate things, for some folks there are two firsts: there’s the first and then there’s “the first.”
I don't have any idea what you're talking about. The first is the first, the "first" is some ordinal number that is not first. Maybe she's trying to say that there's the first time you have sex with someone you love. That's a different experience. Let's see if she clarifies this statement.

The gay men in my life happily debate with me.
Miriam gratuitously points out that she knows gay men. Oh, now I see. She is qualified!

When does manhood become official? Are you official once you’ve successfully pleasured another? Does official have to involve your own cum? Or is it more of a two step process—are you a virgin until both firsts?
For those of you keeping track at home, in three paragraphs, that's six questions and two declarative sentences. At least the next sentence won't be a question.

In this case, is two better than one?
Oh, wait, nevermind. I thought you might try to answer one of those other six first, but, hey, it's your column. By the way, I think Miriam is saying that gay sex involves two different virginities. Obviously, she couldn't come out and say anything about anal sex, because this is a sex column and it's no place for that smut. It doesn't matter. She's wrong. If anal sex counts as virginity for a guy, it has to count as virginity for a girl too. A first is a first, right?

as a straight woman I’m a little jealous. I’d love two shots at the first; hell, if it isn’t amazing “the first” time, it’s fantabulous the next “first” time.
Well, Miriam, you could have two "first times" also. Maybe you could try the second time without your mom checking her email downstairs. Might set the mood a little better.

By the way, following Miriam's absolutely hilarious line of reasoning, lesbians can never have a "first time" naturally. Sorry ladies, but insertion is insertion and we all have to follow the rules. Also, according to Miriam, sex will definitely be good the second time you have it, but only if the first time was bad. See how it all makes sense now?

I’m not sure which is worse, being the virgin or the de-virginizer
Goddamn it, Miriam. It doesn't have to always be about worse and worst.

Guys can’t very well fake it, and girls shouldn’t
Wrong and wrong. A guy wearing a condom (you do want all of us readers to practice safe sex, don't you Miriam?) can fake it just as easily as a girl can. And maybe girls should fake it sometimes. Susan Walker calls it "turning on the landing lights," which means helping him out with a few useful moans. Trust me girls, a few hints can go a long way.

Scientifically speaking
You aren't a scientist, Miriam. You haven't even said the word "glans" in an article yet.

No matter what, the end result is ultimately the same: good sex is coming your way.
This is typical Miriam. Good sex is not coming anybody's way if they don't practice it. It doesn't just happen. You have to take your experiences and learn from them, sure, but you have to have a desire to get better. Even Miriam wouldn't say that you can just lie there and wait for someone to do something magical. That's where she's supposed to come in. She should provide a new, interesting, informative, and fun way to look at sex. Maybe then everyone wouldn't feel dirty and miserable after they read her articles. And maybe, just maybe, someone could learn something from her that would actually improve his or her sex life.

The Big V may be a little frightening, but then again, so are roller coasters.

Don’t forget to scream.
Roller coasters are not scary, Miriam. They're fun. Like sex. Which is fun. Sex should not be scary. Stop trying to make me afraid of sex. And if anyone I was in bed with screamed like she was on Space Mountain, I would probably get arrested.

-MM

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  • "Also, according to Miriam, sex will definately be good the second time you have it, but only if the first time was bad."

    Small point, MM -- "definitely" doesn't have an "a" in it. If you're going to point out Miriam's errors, I figured I'd help you out in the same manner.

    Otherwise, I tend to agree with your points. No, I DEFINITELY agree. ;)

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