Fire Miriam Datskovsky, worst sex columnist... EVER

Thursday, October 19, 2006

RE: Finding the Solution: The Hot Number

All right, hands up if you think this will be about "69"! I mean, it's the hottest number I know. Way to go Miriam! Second article, diving right into something we want to know about! You scamp, you!

Sex and Numbers?

There are certain discussions you expect to have with the first person you’ve ever slept with
About 69ing?

The obligatory catch-up conversations with Lover Number One usually consist of either the awkward “how-are-you-it’s-been-a-while,” or the weighted “you-did-what-with-whom!?” exchange.
Oh, well... I guess this is just Miriam's way of introducing the subject of soixante-neuf. I'm sure this article won't be about, I dunno, what your friends think about sluts or anything.

They are certainly not supposed to begin with, “Hey, Miriam, how many people do you think a girl has to sleep with before she’s a slut?”

My roommates continually argue over how to calculate this infamous number, and my buddies voice concern over how many is too many
The old bait and switch. Damn you, Miriam, and your unlimited craftiness!

nearly half of our first-years have had sex, and a large portion of them have had “lots” of sex.
Apparently the CDC says so. Personally, I think it's just because the condoms in the dorms always run out. People must be having sex 15 times a week in those freshman dorms.

Numbers and sex must be having their own secret love affair
It's not so secret. I was hiding erections all through that semester of Calculus. Maybe it was the way the professor drew his 5's. So sensual...

Who hasn’t slept with their first partner at least once more?
(Translating) Who among us hasn't made a horrendous decision after breaking up with his high school girlfriend?

And I might be nitpicking, since people seem to think it's cool to do this now, but "who" is singular. Its possessive pronoun is either "his" or "her." Don't give me that "popular usage" nonsense. I'll show you where you can stick your popular usage.

After my first experience as Lover Number Two, despite the mediocre experience, I listened to my partner brag about his sexual expertise and even go as far to discuss the logistics of potentially having sex with a “fat chick.”
This probably doesn't need any help from me. I'm tired. This is a good exercise for the readers at home. Everyone write a response and send it in. No more than 1200 words, please.

By the way, I'm potentially having sex with Angelina Jolie right now. The logistics are crazy.

my girlfriends and I were shocked to discover that, number-wise, we equaled or beat every guy in the group.
I would hate to be one of Miriam's friends. Imagine if everyone on campus knew all about your embarrassing sexual secrets. I hope none of her friends are into anything deviant, since Miriam would probably think it was gross and write her column about how gross it would be to, I dunno, be tied to a bed post or something. Not like anyone's ever been into that before.

Does sleeping with two or more people give us the right to talk about sex? Do we need to have slept with someone to talk at all? Or is the experience of watching a porno enough license?
1) No. Being capable of talking about sex gives us the right to talk about sex.
2) No. My 10 year old cousin can talk, but she hasn't slept with anyone. I bet there are a lot of people like this out there. In fact, I'm pretty sure I started talking way before I slept with anyone.
3) I have absolutely no idea what this question is trying to say. So I'm going to take a guess: Papua New Guinea.

The talk doesn’t stop there; when we’re not proudly parading our sexual skills, we’re busy criticizing others for their excessive experience.
"Being with Miriam while she parades her sexual skills" would fall somewhere between "being kicked in the shin for 24 hours straight" and "being deported to North Korea" on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime.

we multiply and divide until we feel confident in our sexual abilities
I actually do this, but only because I date a lot of girls with arithmetic fetishes.

What really matters is the fun-loving conversation in which comparison is unnecessary.
My conversations all love fun. The conversation I had about 18th century Russia got drunk one night and banged a conversation about the government of England. What fun-loving conversations.

I won’t for a minute pretend that I don’t enjoy the “hot number” conversations, or that my friends and I won’t continue to hold them.
I usually "have" my conversations, but you can "hold" them, you kinky girl, you. My friends actually "fondle" their conversations. It's hot.

But the solution to x-equals-slut? Undefined.
Leaving aside the fact that "undefined" is not a number, I will now summarize the entire column:

I had sex with someone and he said something about sluts and me and my friends call people sluts all the time but that doesn't mean that people are actually sluts because slut is a social construct and everyone is different but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop calling people sluts with my friends who are probably all sluts anyways.

By the way:
Number of articles Miriam has written so far: 2
Number of these that have not had anything useful or informative about sex: 2
Keep count at home kids, because I have a hunch this streak has legs.



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