Fire Miriam Datskovsky, worst sex columnist... EVER

Thursday, October 26, 2006

RE: College Baserunning 101

I was actually beginning to feel bad about this little blog. I mean, Miriam sucks as a sex columnist, but maybe I don't need to be so mean about it, right? Actually, yes, yes I do. If you want to know why, just read this:

Miriam doesn't know anything about baseball either


There will forever exist those expectations that the logical side of our brains insist are false, but our desires hope to be true
Desires can't hope, Miriam.

we can expect that the Eagles will actually go to the Super Bowl this year
Obviously, the Eagles did go to the super bowl that year. They lost to Tom Brady's heroic and manly stubble.

What? I'm not talking about sex yet? Well, if you insist...

Apparently the good old days of a four-bases foreplay system are gone for good: I was regaled with tales of minor-league bases, major-league bases and a British-based, 10-step, “snogging scale”—the latter two ending in the “full monty.”
This comes from Miriam talking with her eigth grade sister about sex. Because she can't get any herself, apparently, so she needs tips from a twelve year old. I can't decide if this is funny or creepy. By the way, if you aren't absolutely sure that there's a question right after this, you must be reading the wrong blog.

If middle school has become so complicated it now includes three different base systems, where does that put us?
Bingo. Ok Miriam, since we don't really know if you'll actually answer this, let me do it for you: It puts us in college. You know, college? Where people can have physically intimate moments without resorting to sports metaphors? We're all mature adults here, Miriam. But since you really want to go back to the pre-sexual congress days, I'll indulge you.

The first play of our game, the “four-play,” is finding someone you might want to be with.
Miriam has suddenly switched sports on us, all to give herself a chance to use a stupid name she thought up in the shower. We aren't baserunning anymore. Now we're playing football.

Ok, find someone I might want to be with... why the heck not? Sex is generally more fun with another person, but as Miriam will attest to, not always.

Obstacles arise regardless of where you meet—class, a concert, a game, a bar. The most obvious obstacle is the cock-block
Miriam obviously assumes we have some experience with picking people up, since she jumps right into the stuff that stops us from picking people up. Some of us might want to know how to approach someone, how to strike up a conversation, how to sound witty and erudite. Miriam must be really self-confident to know that people would always sleep with her if not for outside factors.

Cock-blocking can be caused by a number of different factors: your hotter best friend swings an arm around your shoulder and suddenly no one is talking to you anymore
Ok, maybe not.

Then there is the age-old dilemma of beer goggles—do you step in and block your drunken friend flirting with a random nasty guy or girl? How do you know if they want to be cock-blocked?
In football, this is known as the counter play. You get the defense going in one direction and then cut back against the grain. Miriam has subtly switched away from being cock-blocked to cock-blocking someone else, which has no place in this article. I guess cock blocking someone else is the equivalent of going out to the mound to get the ball from a tired pitcher, which isn't really a base, now is it?

The next obstacle becomes the wingman
No, Miriam, the next obstacle is the wingman. It can't become something because it has to actually be something first. Please, please tell me you asked your sister about her english class. I bet she could give some useful pointers.

Thanks to thefacebook.com, you don’t even need to get a number before you say goodbye. You can poke, you can message, you can even be brave and IM. The to-ask-home-or-not question no longer has to be debated that first night. You no longer have to be sleazy to get a piece of ass; you can get in touch with the other person the next day.
Let's review:
asking someone for her phone number in a bar = sleazy
stalking her on facebook = perfectly normal
Why do you make assertions like this Miriam?

The single room is key here. Doubles eschew a host of complications-—warning your roommate ahead of time, or making sure they don’t accidentally walk in.
I would like everyone to pull out his or her dictionary and read along. Eschew, v. - To abstain or keep away from. So actually, doubles avoid a host of complications. Also, there's a horrendous pronoun switch, as Miriam gains an extra roommate as she goes from... you know what? Forget it. I can't keep line editing Miriam's work. Somebody should do this for her. It's the Spectator's fault they hired someone who writes at a sixth grade level. I'm not doing their dirty work any more.

Bunk beds make the case worse: it’s flat-out obnoxious to have sex above someone who’s sleeping, but we stoop to that level anyway.
No, we don't. You might. But we don't. Stop calling me obnoxious, Miriam.

You definitely don’t anticipate a question like “Are you comfortable enough to blow me right now?” and then it’s asked, or at least it has been to me.
Of course it has. I think maybe you should go back and reread first base (or first level or first square or first first or first whatever the hell you're talking about). Remember, you said facebook stalking was a good way to learn about your potential hook-up. But now we find the facebook paradox: people who stalk people on facebook may lack the social skills that one would require to attract a potential mate. She is right, though. I wouldn't anticipate that question. Mostly beacuse I'm not Miriam and my sexual encounters aren't always awkward and embarassing.

Wait a minute... I feel something shivering... is it my DLRQ sense?

What do you do when someone says the wrong thing? What if someone uses baby talk in bed and you can’t stand it? Do you laugh or yell or just try to pretend it didn’t happen?
I think Miriam is actually a robot that writes articles according to a very specific code. That's why all of them sound exactly the same. It's also why she sounds like she hates sex. Robots hate sex and they want us to stop having sex so we'll be easier to conquer. At least that's what I saw when I was watching late-night Fox News. Or maybe it was Cinemax.

Never underestimate the importance of play three: foreplay.
Well, that's a very sensible statement. Do you mean oral play?

I’m not talking oral sex
Oh, I see. What are you talking about?

I’m talking good old fondling, rubbing, and pumping.
Pumping? Really? I don't get it. Are you having sex on a boat that's taking on water? Are you inflating a beach ball while having sex? Oh, no, I do get it. You're both wearing those Reebok pumps from, like, 1992 and you need to pump them up. Gotcha.

It goes without saying that men get the shit end of the stick here: you can get a better hand-job without the hassle of getting a girl into your bed. On the bright side, guys, the more effort you put into pleasing her, the quicker you’re going to get head.
This is just an embarassing thing for anyone to write, especially a sex columnist. I dare you to find one straight guy that really looks at digital-vaginal play as a sacrifice he has to make on the road to the almighty blow job. And besides, just because you have no idea how to give a hand job doesn't mean that it sucks for every guy ever. Honestly, how many guys do you know that sit on their bed with a girl's hand down their pants and think to themselves, "Well, this sucks. I could have my own hand on my penis right now."? Holy mother of mercy, this is terrible.

And to all you guys who think boobs are overrated, that’s bull.
Are you kidding me? What guy thinks breasts are overrated? I am speechless right now. In fact, I have just melted and am now a tiny puddle of goo under my desk. You must mean gay guys. They are the only group of men I know who think that playing with breasts is not one of the most rewarding activities to which one can devote one's life.

Play four is oral.
Oh, this won't be scarring and embarassing.

It’s a given that guys love to receive head, but most hate to give it
This is false in so many ways I can't even begin to comprehend it. My head has actually jumped off of my body and is now attempting to drown itself in the sink. Where do your get this information, Miriam? You can't throw out these "givens" without some sort of data. Get off your ass and conduct a freakin' survey if you're so damn sure. I bet you can find at least some guys who don't like getting head, and I guarentee that you will find a whole truckload that don't hate to give it. You are perpetuating so many stereotypes that it's embarassing for us and you.

To the girls’ credit, successfully going down on a guy is not as easy as it looks
Oh so are you going to teach them how, since you're obviously so good at it? That would be useful. We all want to spice up our sex lives, and any advice you could give us would be...

And then there’s the swallowing issue
...oh, ok, I guess you could just move right on to this...

should you avoid awkwardness but experience the disgusting taste, or do what you want and spit?
Ok, leaving aside the fact that not every girl wants to spit (or that all cum tastes disgusting), why must you couch everything in terms of awkwardness? If a girl doesn't want to swallow, she shouldn't swallow. Just have a towel or something nearby, and discretely spit into it when you're done. Not awkward at all. Problem solved. Stop writing.

Often girls are too embarrassed to enjoy receiving it.
READ: Miriam is too embarassed to enjoy receiving it.

Shaving and trimming are essential to good oral sex
False. Stop generalizing. You make me so angry. Here are Miriam's factors for good oral sex:

SHAVING AND TRIMMING: Essential! The most important thing there is!
SPITTING OR SWALLOWING: Causes awkwardness!
VAGINA: Causes awkwardness! Men hate being near it, women hate having people near it!

It would be awfully nice if our sex lives were as simple as a game of baseball, if every successful play ensured a win and good sex.
Miriam, every successful play in baseball guarentees nothing, especially not a win. In fact, you need several successful plays, often in a row, to even generate a run. You need multiple runs to win games, and you need successful plays on defense to prevent the opponent from generating runs. You just spent an entire column comparing sex to baseball (sort of), and now you're going to pretend that baseball is something totally different to make some point that contradicts the entire point of your column? I'm offended as a sex fan and as a baseball fan.

On the other hand, where would the excitement be if our sex lives were as predictable as the Yankees beating the Mets?
And if you didn't have enough reason to hate Miriam, she throws in a Yankees reference.

We can’t assume we will have sex with every person who makes it into our bed, but where would the fun be if we could expect the same from every guy or girl we meet?
This may be shocking, Miriam, but you could have sex with everyone that ended up in your bed, and I bet it would be damn fun. It would be different everytime, too. So once again, you say something and it's wrong. We can't assume that everything you say will be wrong, but where would the fun be if we could expect the same from every single sentence you write?

Final consensus? Well, Toto, we’re not in middle school anymore.
Great. I'm glad I just read that whole ludicrous column for this cute little zinger. A pithy remark at the end of a column does not a conclusion make. And who says it's a consensus anyway? You have to find a bunch of people to agree with you for that to happen. Actually, why don't you start looking now? And don't write any more columns while you're looking for that consensus. We'll muddle along without you.

-MM

3 Comments:

  • Thank you for pointing out how her column had no actual facts or research to back up her claims. What worries me is how people may take what she said seriously, and thus reinforce old stereotypes which would best be forgotten. So what if a girl has public hair? OH MY GOD, A HUMAN BEING WITH PUBIC HAIR! BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!

    I don't shave or trim, and my boyfriend has no complaints whatsoever. Why? Because there's something called good hygiene that applies to everyone, hairy or bare; and if you care enough about your partner to want to please him/her, you're not going to let a little pubic hair get in your way. The point is pleasuring your partner, and hopefully being pleasured in return. There's no reason ANYONE should think they need to induce ingrown hairs and look like an eight-year-old to satisfy the outdated notions perpetuated by this column.

    And just for the record, I'm not a hippie.

    However, concerning grammatical errors, doesn't the Spec have copy editors who should be able to pick up mistakes like "eschew?"

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:56 PM  

  • Well, shaving IS essential for giving good oral sex on a girl. Please, for gods sake, pleaaaseee shave completely. It makes giving a girl oral sex a lot of fun -- I think most guys would agree there.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:19 AM  

  • This is probably the funniest thing I've read in, well, years. But you've made your point well -- even hit the ball out of the field! Sorry, I couldn't resist the baseball analogy...

    Miriam happens to be the Spectator opinion editor and a columnist, and I suspect that her column accordingly is passed right by the copy-editors without real scrutiny. Who is going to tear apart the person in charge of the opinion section?

    That's both why the opinion editor shouldn't be writing their own opinion column (a conflict of interest, to say the least) and why the opinion editor should have better grammar than, well, Miriam.

    Thanks for pointing out how ridiculous the column really is!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:47 AM  

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